Time

This isn't going to necessarily be about my time in England. The past couple of weeks I have probably been taking care of myself the worst I have my entire life. I can't sleep. I literally lay in bed until 2 or 3 in the morning every night and can't get up until 12. I'm worried I won't get enough sleep, and have nothing to do in the morning. Luckily I only have to study for exams, and then take them. I guess that's unlucky too. It's hard for me to not do anything. It makes me feel unimportant. I have had two of my exams so far: genetics and conservation in practice, and they went well. I have an exam for chemical oceanography on Monday, and I need to study a lot for it still, it's saturday today.

I'm about to be done with my second year of college but I feel like I know less than I did when I first started college. As I've been living more, experiencing more, and being part of new things, I've realized there is really so much more to learn. It's not a feel-good discovery for me right now. I feel lost in my thoughts more than ever. Learning about the history of the ocean has especially got my mind turning. Humans are just here for a short while. One day I will die. One day my family will die. One day everyone I know won't exists. It's hard to realize this and just continue living as I have. I want to do everything I get the chance to, always say "yes!" and never stop trying. It's hard when you're not surrounded by those types of people. When I walk down the spine here on campus, I see the high fashion and I look at these people who continually question me about America and traveling to Europe. The majority of them haven't been to the surrounding Ireland or Scotland. It's not the fact that they haven't been there that gets me, it's the fact that they don't want to. All they know is this place, but they're content. They're content only seeing this type of life, until they die.

I want to push my body to it's limits. See how long I can run, see how hard I can climb. Really learn how the human body has been made perfectly for life on this planet. But right now I can't. I'm in this cycle of not sleeping, eating hardly anything and non-nutritionally. I want to say things to my friends here and at home, things I would say if I was on my death bed, but would be looked at as if I were crazy in an everyday light. I've thought for a while about really living without regrets. There are few people who live the way I want to. And they're looked to by the population as crazy, asking for a death wish, and gone off the knocker. They've gotten over the issue of what others think. It's more important for them to live life their way than be considered socially acceptable.

There's also the social side. Being exceptionally nice to people seems like a crazy thing in our time. Saying hello to someone you recognize from a class is even stepping out of the boundary, let alone start a conversation just for the reason to get to know them. Why do we have these walls put up around us? Are we afraid? Use these walls as a protection? Protection from failure? New things? Ourselves?


In believing in God, you believe in uncertainty. And that is something I know I believe in. Uncertainty. I may never be certain of the answers to my life questions,  I believe in uncertainty in all aspects of life. If we live uncertain that we'll live the next day it can either drive you mad or make you cowardly afraid. Fearing death must happen, but our reaction to it must be balanced. I want it to make me stronger. I hope it will after sadness goes away.

I've realized I have been given a gift. A gift to forgive. I literally have no hard feelings toward anyone at this moment or any other moment, and I don't know why. I can try to be mad at someone for something they did, but I will still be happy with their company if they were once a good friend, no matter how bad I've been hurt. I forget the bad and only remember the good of people, it's a blessing and a curse.

Well I better get back to learning about how the earth's history has made life hospitable on our planet. I guess that's something pretty important besides wondering about the ways to live.